Merciful Flippin' Minerva.
Linus taps his base, Marco loses a stick, and Paul proves that he is the greatest guitarist in the world.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Kim Jong-IL: " I Give You Nukes, You Send Tailor"
(Pyongyang, North Korea)
During a televised speech delivered from the Presidential office today, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Il offered what many Western journalists and academics have heralded as a shocking "olive branch": the shutdown of Pyongyang's entire nuclear weapons program in exchange for what "Dear Leader" referred to as a designer of mens clothes "who not make me look like I work at Jiffy Lube or something."
The offer from the Supreme Leader includes a complete and unconditional transfer of all of North Korea's enriched uranium and nuclear technology to the United States, and grants international inspectors unmitigated access to all military and government facilities in North Korea. The sole stipulation is that the US or another Western nation must provide a tailor or fashion designer, who will presumably take up residence in Pyongyang and design clothes exclusively for Kim Jong-Il.
The North Korean dictator cited the unflattering and uniform nature of his wardrobe as the impetus for his decision. "You think big shot like me, able to snooker hick snakeoil salesman Bill Clinton into giving me nukes, might be able to find tailor worth a damn in nation of 24 million," he continued, growing increasingly irate as he spoke. "But no. It always same, same, same! Same baggy, gray jump suit, same big ass Harry Caray glasses!"
As if to emphasize this last point, the Supreme Leader tore off his eyeglasses and sent them sailing past the camera, whereupon they were heard to smash against what was presumed to be the opposite wall. There was brief pandemonium as aides scrambled to assist the North Korean leader, who stumbled and groped about blindly until an aide produced an a pair of glasses identical to those destroyed. Scarcely skipping a beat, Kim Jong Il resumed his tirade.
"I try. I ask nice to my tailors. I plead, I beg, come up something different. Throw in a splash color. Try earthtone. Give me flashy sport coat and necktie. Mock turtleneck. Cardigan. Anything. But no. Same crap, different day. Why I feed these people 500 whole calories a day if this best they come up with?"
The Supreme Leader concluded his speech by informing Western leaders that the offer was on the table for 48 hours. The reverberations in the West were pronounced and instantaneous.
"Are we just going to let this golden opportunity go to waste? We can trust him!" screamed Eleanor Clift, who watched Kim Jong-Il's statement in the green room of the McLaughlin Group with the rest of the cast. Pat Buchanan began to mount an objection, but was silenced when Clift pounced on him and ripped his throat out with her teeth.
Others remain skeptical. "Are you kidding?" Asked an incredulous Donna Karan from her New York office. "No way. I remember going through this nonsense with Gaddafi back in the early 90s. He calls me out of the blue, 'Donna, Donna, you gotta help me, I'm sick of looking like Richard Simmons in a sailor suit.' I design the entire 'Tyrant Playboy' line, waste months of my life that I'll never get back, and in the end he goes with Versace. Do you think I ever got paid for the demos? Do you?"
Still, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton called the news a "pleasant surprise" and announced that her office is keeping the lines of communication open with Pyongyang to see if a deal might be struck. While optimistic, the Secretary of State cautioned that there were still hurdles to be cleared.
"I am not certain we can come to an agreement within Kim Jong-Il's time frame," said Mrs. Clinton, indicating that it might take time to find a tailor or designer who would be both willing and able to undertake the assignment.
"I had originally hoped that Isaac Mizrahi would be willing to take the job, but his only response to my office was "Eeeeewwwwwwwww!"
During a televised speech delivered from the Presidential office today, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Il offered what many Western journalists and academics have heralded as a shocking "olive branch": the shutdown of Pyongyang's entire nuclear weapons program in exchange for what "Dear Leader" referred to as a designer of mens clothes "who not make me look like I work at Jiffy Lube or something."
The offer from the Supreme Leader includes a complete and unconditional transfer of all of North Korea's enriched uranium and nuclear technology to the United States, and grants international inspectors unmitigated access to all military and government facilities in North Korea. The sole stipulation is that the US or another Western nation must provide a tailor or fashion designer, who will presumably take up residence in Pyongyang and design clothes exclusively for Kim Jong-Il.
The North Korean dictator cited the unflattering and uniform nature of his wardrobe as the impetus for his decision. "You think big shot like me, able to snooker hick snakeoil salesman Bill Clinton into giving me nukes, might be able to find tailor worth a damn in nation of 24 million," he continued, growing increasingly irate as he spoke. "But no. It always same, same, same! Same baggy, gray jump suit, same big ass Harry Caray glasses!"
As if to emphasize this last point, the Supreme Leader tore off his eyeglasses and sent them sailing past the camera, whereupon they were heard to smash against what was presumed to be the opposite wall. There was brief pandemonium as aides scrambled to assist the North Korean leader, who stumbled and groped about blindly until an aide produced an a pair of glasses identical to those destroyed. Scarcely skipping a beat, Kim Jong Il resumed his tirade.
"I try. I ask nice to my tailors. I plead, I beg, come up something different. Throw in a splash color. Try earthtone. Give me flashy sport coat and necktie. Mock turtleneck. Cardigan. Anything. But no. Same crap, different day. Why I feed these people 500 whole calories a day if this best they come up with?"
The Supreme Leader concluded his speech by informing Western leaders that the offer was on the table for 48 hours. The reverberations in the West were pronounced and instantaneous.
"Are we just going to let this golden opportunity go to waste? We can trust him!" screamed Eleanor Clift, who watched Kim Jong-Il's statement in the green room of the McLaughlin Group with the rest of the cast. Pat Buchanan began to mount an objection, but was silenced when Clift pounced on him and ripped his throat out with her teeth.
Others remain skeptical. "Are you kidding?" Asked an incredulous Donna Karan from her New York office. "No way. I remember going through this nonsense with Gaddafi back in the early 90s. He calls me out of the blue, 'Donna, Donna, you gotta help me, I'm sick of looking like Richard Simmons in a sailor suit.' I design the entire 'Tyrant Playboy' line, waste months of my life that I'll never get back, and in the end he goes with Versace. Do you think I ever got paid for the demos? Do you?"
Still, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton called the news a "pleasant surprise" and announced that her office is keeping the lines of communication open with Pyongyang to see if a deal might be struck. While optimistic, the Secretary of State cautioned that there were still hurdles to be cleared.
"I am not certain we can come to an agreement within Kim Jong-Il's time frame," said Mrs. Clinton, indicating that it might take time to find a tailor or designer who would be both willing and able to undertake the assignment.
"I had originally hoped that Isaac Mizrahi would be willing to take the job, but his only response to my office was "Eeeeewwwwwwwww!"
Monday, February 15, 2010
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