20 things that British murder mystery shows have taught me about England

1. There are four things that the British take extremely seriously: their drink, their gardening, their tea, and their adultery.
2. Half of the people in England are aristocracy who live in large manors. The other half is comprised of the servants, the local vicar, the pub owner, prep school students, prep school faculty, and police officers.
3. Every aristocratic family in England has at least one secret love child. This individual may either be one of the servants or a "cousin" who has conveniently come to visit right about the time someone in the family is murdered.
4. The father of the love child is always either the lord of the manor, or the local vicar. The mother is either a former servant or the barmaid at the local pub.
5. Unless there are horses on the estate, in which case the child is the product of the stablemaster and the lady of the manor.
6. Every family in England, whether gentry or otherwise, has at least one gay son.
7.  All religious people in England are depraved perverts.
8. The English have no fear of or respect for law enforcement, and will often rudely cut off an officer's line of questioning by driving off in their car. Or riding off on their horse.
9. In England, there is a festival held on a different village green every day of the year.
10. There are only six places that exist in England: pubs, village greens, manors, prep schools, churches, and police stations.
11. With few exceptions, all police officers in England are either Detective Inspectors or the younger Detective Sergeant assigned to work with him.
12. With few exceptions, the DI and the DS are always male. They are never the gay son of the family.
13. In England, if the Detective Inspector is married, his wife ends up inexplicably involved in 60% in his cases, with her life in peril approximately 20% of the time. 14. Every house in England has a freshly brewed pot of tea on hand any time, day or night, without fail.
15. Every house in England has a half full decanter of whiskey and four whiskey glasses on a table in the parlor, without fail.
16. If an English gentleman is drinking brandy by himself in his study at night, he is very likely about to be murdered. This also applies to headmasters at prep schools.
17. If an English lady is out riding her horse alone upon the open countryside, she is very likely about to be murdered.
18. In England, if a vicar is ever alone in his church after dark, he's either about to be murdered, or has just returned from murdering someone.
19. Any English person walking alone in the woods at any time of day is either about to be murdered, or about to discover the body of a murder victim.
20. Every class in every prep school in England has murdered at least one of its classmates, or killed one in a school prank gone terribly wrong.